


Goodbye

by respoftw



Series: Tumblr Prompts - McShep edition [11]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Oblivious John, Permanent Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/respoftw/pseuds/respoftw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wasn't sure he had the words today.  Not on Rodney's last day on Atlantis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [irrationalgame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrationalgame/gifts).



> Prompt: I love you, said as a goodbye

The 'Gate room was too small to hold everyone who had come to see him off.  They lined the corridors as John made his way to the infirmary, scientists and military alike.  He'd take the time to thank them later, or Lorne and Sam would do it for him.  None of them tried to speak to him as he passed by and he half-wondered if Lorne had already spoken to them, warned them.  Whatever the reason, he appreciated it.  He wasn't sure he had the words today.  Not on Rodney's last day on Atlantis.   
  
Teyla and Ronon were already there when he arrived at the infirmary, Ronon's new remembrance bead glinting in the harsh light.  _  (John hates that bead, hates that he'll have to look at it every day, hates Ronon a little for getting to keep even that small piece of Rodney with him.)   _ Teyla pulled him down and rested her forehead against his in greeting.  That close, he could  see that her eyes were red and raw looking.  It was the day for it, after all.   
  
"He is waiting for you," she said.  "Be brave, John."   
  
He clapped Ronon on the shoulder as he walked towards the curtained off area, Keller hovering outside.  She was wearing her grief louder than any of them and he felt a flash of anger at that.  She wasn't team.  She wasn't family.  She was the damn one who had - -   
  
John ignored her.  He'd be able to look at her without flinching again someday but he wasn't there yet.  She was smart enough to step aside without a word and the curtain John pulled closed behind him rattled satisfyingly in her face.   
  
"It's not her fault you know."  Rodney sounded the same as ever; a mixture of pissed off, exasperated with all the stupidity he had to deal with and smug.     
  
It made John smile.   
  
"I know," John said.    
  
"It's not your fault either."    
  
John didn't bother answering that statement.  "You ready?" he asked instead.  It was Rodney's turn to ignore the question which..well fair's fair, John thought. It's not like he hadn't known it was a stupid question when he asked it.     
  
Rodney gestured towards the bag that was settled on the bed next to him.  Asking for help had never come easily to Rodney and John figured that was as close as he was going to get to reaching out.  John lifted it easily, it barely weighed anything.  He could see a couple of shirts poking out the top and knew without looking deeper that all it contained was clothes.  It wasn't much to show for the past four years but John knew that the really important things couldn't go with him.     
  
The gaudy but well meant necklace that Teyla had made for him and the Satedan symbol for family that Rodney had let Ronon ink on his neck while he was still woozy from pain meds would have to do.    
  
Rodney clicked his fingers impatiently at one of the waiting nurses as he shifted to the edge of the bed.  "Yes, you.  Sometime today please."     
  
John felt his breath catch in his throat as the nurse came in.  He hated this.  God, how he hated this.  Rodney had trained them all well in the past few weeks and John didn't offer to help.  He just shifted the bag higher on his shoulder as Rodney manoeuvred himself awkwardly, his arms and shoulders straining with the weight as he moved himself from the bed to the waiting wheelchair.   
  
The flash of victory in Rodney's eyes as he settled what was left of his legs into place was like a knife in John's gut but he plastered on an easy grin.  "Hey, you didn't even fall that time," he teased.     
  
"Just for that, Colonel, I'm going to save my shoulders and make you push me the entire way there,"  Rodney's attempt to sound breezy and unaffected wasn't as good as John's but he would never tell Rodney that.  Instead, he just got into place behind Rodney, trying very hard to ignore the birds eye view it gave him of the way Rodney's legs ended abruptly a few inches above where the knee would have been.   
  
John took a deep breath.  He could do this.  If Rodney could do this without dissolving into a puddle of anger or grief then so could he.   
  
_ (Rodney had been leading them, somehow managing to chatter excitedly about the energy readings, chew on a power bar, keep his nose buried in the tracker and rub sunscreen into his neck all at the same time.   _ __  
__  
_ He’d never got the chance to rub the last of the cream in and the white dab of coconut smelling sunblock had looked so strange later against all the red. _ __  
__  
_ The click of the Pegasus galaxy’s equivalent of a landmine had been out of place in the bright sunshine but John had recognised it for what it was instantly and far too late all at once.  He and Ronon had yelled for Rodney to stop, to stay still, to for-the-love-of-God McKay don’t move.  Looking back, he’ll wonder if it was the shouting that had clinched it as Rodney startled and moved towards them on instinct.  _ __  
_  
_ __ Instinct.  

_ It was a funny thing. _

_ John’s first instinct, his only instinct had been to dive towards Rodney, despite knowing with a soldier's certainty that there was no saving to be done.  Ronon had tackled him before he had moved more than an inch, flattening him and Teyla on the ground, the long stalks of golden grass bending and snapping where they fell. _ __  
_  
_ __ John doesn’t remember much after that; just flashes of horror and red and the sound of screaming and yelling and that incongruous dab of sun screen on Rodney’s neck.  

_ Flash _ __  
_ Rodney’s eyes looking up at him, a brighter blue than John had ever seen _ __  
_ Flash _ __  
_ The sound of Teyla’s weeping buzzing just outside of his awareness as he struggled to read the movement of Rodney’s mouth. _ __  
_ Flash _ __  
_ Ronon yelling at him, manhandling him and pulling his belt off. _ __  
_ Flash _ __  
_ Rodney’s blue, blue eyes closing  while a broken voice that he thought might have been his begged him not to. _ __  
_ Flash _ __  
_ Blonde hair flying, hands pulling at him, a pinch in the neck and then – nothing.) _ __  
  
Rodney tensed just a little when he saw the crowd lining the halls.  Teyla and Ronon walked on either side of him, like an honour guard.  Which is exactly what they are.

Rodney shifted in his chair and John could see the way his hands fluttered over the still bandaged stumps of his legs, as if he wanted to hide them; stop people from looking.  John dug through the holdall still strapped over his shoulder and came up with a ratty old jumper that looked warm and loved.

“Here,” he tossed the jumper to Rodney. “It’s cold in here.”

Rodney humphed but John could tell it was just for show and Teyla nodded approvingly at him as she helped Rodney tuck the sweater over his lap.

One of the scientists in the approach to the gate room tried to get a slow clap going as Rodney wheels by but his withering “What do you think this is?  Rudy?” shut it down as quickly as it made John choke on a laugh.

They paused in the Gate room.  It seemed to have been reserved for the people that really matter to Rodney, the people whose names he’d actually learned.  Cadman is there with a misty eyed hug, whispering something that made Rodney chuckle into his ear.  Miko knelt down in front of the chair and performed a blessing that Rodney took with pained restraint. Lorne saluted him before handing him a set of the really fancy rubber gripped pens that were worth their weight in gold on Atlantis.  

Sam looked as gutted as John felt.  She hugged Rodney for a long time and John was pretty sure that the way her breasts pushed up against him, grazing his arms as she pulled back was her idea of a parting gift.  Rodney looked suitably grateful anyway.

Zelenka seemed to have aged a decade in the past few weeks and John watched as he struggled to find the words in English, eventually just giving up and murmuring quietly to Rodney in Czech.  Rodney was either more fluent in Czech than he let on or just emotionally intelligent enough to pick up on the meaning behind it but he nodded, clasped Radek on the shoulder and told him that he couldn't imagine anyone he'd rather be leaving in charge of Atlantis.

With all the goodbyes done, Sam nodded up at Chuck.  John was glad that she didn't give the order out loud because he was holding on by a thread here and he wasn't sure he could have handled hearing the instructions to dial Earth.

John remained frozen in his place behind Rodney's chair as the chevrons lit up.  Ronon crouched down, making himself impossibly small looking to give Rodney a final hug before moving aside to allow Teyla to press her forehead against Rodney's, promising once again to send many pictures of Torren to him.  “Enough to make you sick of them,” she smiled.

The event horizon burst open with a resounding splash and suddenly John couldn't put it off any longer.  It was happening.  Rodney was leaving.  He had to say goodbye.

Rodney wheeled his chair around to look at John when it became clear that he wouldn't,  _ couldn't _ move.  

“You're going to have come down here, Colonel,” Rodney sniped.  “I can't exactly stand up at the moment and I'd say that after four years of friendship the least I'm due is a damned hug.”  

Rodney's voice wavered on the last word and John's knees buckled in his haste to reach down and pull him close.  

The crowd behind him faded to insignificance as the smell and feel of Rodney overcame him.  Not caring what anyone thought of him, John buried his face into Rodney's neck and allowed one tear to fall.

“I'm so fucking sorry,” he breathed into Rodney's skin.  “I let you down.  I'm sorry.  God, Rodney I'm going to miss you so fucking much.”

Rodney's arms were still strong and John felt them now as they closed in tighter around him, as his large, clever hands soothed John's back.  “S’not your fault you martyr,” Rodney huffed quietly.  “You didn't let me down.  You've  _ never _ let me down.”

A second tear joined the first and John didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say.  All he knew was that when he let go, Rodney would roll through that gate and it would be over.  God, he didn't want to let go.

Rodney never had a problem with knowing what to say; it was one of dozens of reasons that they worked so well together.  “You can let go,” he said “I'm ready.”

John felt Ronon's hand settle on his shoulder and he knew that Rodney was right.  

It was time to say goodbye.  Although he was damned if he knew how to do that.  How did you say goodbye to someone like Rodney, to someone who had been by your side through hell and made you laugh all the way there?

As usual, Rodney picked up the slack for him.  

“I love you, John.  I - I didn't want to leave without telling you that.”  Rodney nodded decisively as John stood rooted to the spot and motioned for one of the medical team to take hold of his chair.  With one last look at Atlantis and one last smile for John, Rodney left.

John had stopped breathing right around the time that Rodney had said the word love but as soon as Rodney disappeared through the event horizon all the air came rushing back at once.  

Panicked, John looked around wildly, trying to find something to cling on to, needing something to make sense to him in an Atlantis without Rodney in it.

There was nothing.

Oh God, there was nothing.  He couldn't do this.  He couldn't be here, not without Rodney.  Even now he could feel the lights dim just a bit, the beauty of her halls and stained glass windows fading before his eyes.

“I - I - “  John couldn't make his voice work but with family you didn't always need to tell them in words.

Ronon motioned for Lorne to step forward as he squeezed down on John's shoulder.  “It's alright,” he said.  “We know what you need to do.”

John's eyes widened as Lorne held out a packed hold-all for him.  “We can box up the rest of your stuff and send it along on the Daedalus with the last of Dr. McKay’s belongings.  It’s been a pleasure, Sir.”

A third tear fell as the entire room stood to attention and saluted him.  

“Go on, Colonel,” Sam said,  “we can't keep the gate open much longer.  General O’Neill is expecting you.  I think he may actually have money on it.”

This was all happening so fast and John knew he should be dizzy with it but, really, this had been coming since that first moment when the IOA had sent the data burst relieving Rodney of his position.  He was just the last to know.

John’s goodbyes would have to be quick but he realised that he'd been saying goodbye to the people that matter for weeks.  It was bittersweet, yes, but he knew deep down in his soul that he was doing the right thing.

John smiled as he walked through the gate.

He wasn't leaving, he was going home.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not taking on any more prompts at the minute but come hit me up on [tumblr](http://buffycuddlespigs.tumblr.com/ask) if you want to squeal about SGA.


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